Today's meeting revolved around the topic of growing up. As we read the second half of the twelfth step material, the focus was entirely on adulting. My childish pathology (from whence it springs, I have not been able to fully identify), is the belief that it is someone else's responsibility to take care of my needs--be they physical, intellectual, or emotional. From a time probably earlier than I can remember, I have looked for validation from external sources. Something recovery programs work to instill from Day ONE is that no one else in this world is responsible for my internal landscape. If I am not at peace with my interactions with the world, then the change must come from within. How is such a change wrought, you ask? By taking ownership of my choices, finding a God of my understanding, writing out a fearless and searching inventory of my feelings and behaviors, sharing that inventory with another human being, working to pause when agitated, root out the cause of the agitation, and pray to have it removed. By making a list of all the people I've harmed and be willing to make amends -- which entails forgiveness of a whole smattering of things. I need to make direct amends to people when necessary without causing undue harm in the process. Then by a daily "maintenance" program of rigorous honesty, conscious contact with my higher power, and service and connection with other fellow suffering human beings.
In the chapter we read today on Step Twelve, the book outlines "right living" at the very end of the reading:
Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God’s help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God’s sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can fi t and belong in God’s scheme of things—these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes. . . True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God (124-5).
I don't know what I wanted for myself or what I thought an "adult" life would be before coming into AA. I know, at least, I was misguided in what constituted "grown up" living. I certainly looked to external markers of educational degrees, spouse, children, a house, a car, a dog, a career. The truth, however, is that I achieved all of that while still staying put in "self constructed prisons" and having no earthly concept of a "deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God." A new freedom and a new happiness exist in extricating myself from the swirling vortex of my thoughts and feelings and directing my energy and usefulness toward others.
AA teaches me that when I am lost in self, it's best that I --as quickly as possible-- turn my thoughts to another and how I might be of service to her. This may be another alcoholic, it could be a co-worker, my child, a friend, a sibling, a neighbor, a student. Lots of need out there. The only real tool I need to be able to make this switch is active participation in recovery, and the switch brings a lasting relief the likes of which no liquid from crushed grapes or malt and hops could ever achieve. God bless those who never have to journey into the hell of addiction to discover a path toward true adulting :D
No comments:
Post a Comment