Walk Out: When Film Adaptations Go Terribly Wrong

So, I've been sick this week, and under a self-imposed quarantine as to not infect my beloved friends and family with the plague. It got so damn lonely, that I decided to go see The Other Boleyn Girl today, against my better instincts. I read the 660+ page book very quickly earlier this month (in anticipation for the movie release, actually). I loved the book in the same way I loved The Da Vinci Code and The Kite Runner--easy, psuedo-intellectual page-turners that do not require an ounce of effort to follow, digest, or complete. After having a terrible experience with the film version of The Da Vinci Code and an OK experience with The Kite Runner adaptation, I thought my chances were at least 50/50 that Philippa Gregory's historical fiction bestseller would be at least as amusing as doing my taxes (the task with which I was engaged immediately before). It's possible I've never been more wrong about anything in my entire life.
The film, in the grossest understatement of all time, was less than faithful to its literary counterpart. The acting was atrocious (Natalie Portman--it's like I don't even know you anymore!), which didn't really matter because the character portrayal was NOTHING like it is in the book. And the editing just might have been executed by a high school Film Club enthusiast. The writing, filming, editing, and acting were in fact so horrible that I decided to leave in the middle of a scene where King Henry VIII (played by Eric Bana--rrrrrrr) forcibly enters Anne Boleyn from behind--undeniably, the climax of the film. It was the most boring rape scene ever filmed--and, staunch feminist that I am, it does not please me to have to make such commentary!

The last adaptation I saw after having read the book was Atonement. I'm not in love with the novel or the film, but they made me appreciate each other, which is not a common occurrence in the literature/film dichotomy. Usually, the movie is a disappointing rendition of the book (at least that's what I tell my students!!). With Atonement, the movie made visual things that were too damn subtle in the book, and the book fleshed out the details the movie did not have time provide. It was a nice relationship. Movies like The Other Boleyn Girl and The Da Vinci Code, in severe contrast, ought never be made. They unabashedly present themselves as half-cocked money-making schemes, roping in the readers of popular fiction who want the story again, but don't want to spend the time reading the novel twice.

Thus, I exited the dark theatre, leaving the chumps to their mediocre movie viewing, and came home to draw up the financial report for my St. Vincent de Paul conference meeting tomorrow. My cough syrup is more fun than that movie.