Originally posted: Saturday, October 6, 2007 7:16am
Tipping is sometimes an occasion for anxiety for me (and if you've read any of my earlier blogs, you're thinking "Yeah? And what, pray tell, doesn't present anxiety for you?"). So you'll either identify with the following or think, "Good lord, doesn't this woman have anything better to think about?" and be on your way. In either case, I hope you have a fantastic day!
Restaurants are the easy part. I got it--20% of the cost of the meal, 15% if the service was poor, more than 20% if I'm either generously drunk or grateful for some kind of unexpected compensation. It's always the same and I'm happy to do it. I also know that tips help to assuage the poverty of the otherwise criminally low, unlivable wages waitresses and waiters earn. I am slightly less clear about other kinds of services that "require" tips. As I have learned through my keen observations of human nature (someone holding a hand out, or presenting a "tip" line on a printed receipt, for instance), with many many services rendered in this world there is an inexplicable expectation for extra compensation. Into the "less clearly tippable" group, I would put taxi and limo drivers, taxi hailers, airport curbside luggage crew, bell hops, hair dressers, spa staff, piano men, pizza delivery guys, bartenders and strippers. These are all services which have traditionally called for tips. For this category of services I am confused about a few things.
First, how much? The rate always seems to be increasing, but I cannot determine any real mathematical certainty, like I can for the waiters. Thus, if I have paid for an actual service (cab fare, pizza dinner, haircut, etc.), I will usually default to the 20% tip with ONE exception. Any woman (read Leslie) who ventures into my nether regions to remove hair gets damn near 50% in tip--partly out of my own empathy (If I could imagine doing such a job, I would never opt to), and to make up for the uncomfortable time of payment across a cold counter after we've been SO close for the last 20 minutes. It's as close as I will ever come to the feeling some men have when the time arrives to pay the hooker, the latter of which I believe is not tipped for her services--another confusion of mine. For airport crew, bell hops, and piano men, however, there is no initial service cost on which to base my tip amount--thus, the setting for these guys always seems to be between 2-5 dollars (usually depending on the small bills in my wallet and how willing I am to ask and wait for change back).
Second, for what am I tipping these people exactly? With the possible exception of taxi drivers and pizza delivery guys, I do not believe their wages are tip-dependent like the waiters--especially spa staff. So the tip, in these cases, is presumably presented to the service provider for pretending he or she actually likes the job they do. And I would imagine it's a fine, cautious, line they tread. For instance, you want your hair dresser to be friendly and talkative to a degree, but if he or she is annoying or intrusive, that might lower the tip amount. In the case of the strippers, our tip seems to be quality assurance, as far as I can tell. Certainly, we want our strippers be "into" their work, not shoving the reality of objectification and exploitation in our faces--thus, we reward them for pretending like they are executing their dream job before our very eyes. Perhaps the same is true for airport curbside crew? If I give you a couple of dollars, you won't throw my bag around like you're slinging trash into a dumpster?
Third, why do we tip some and not others? For instance, why do I tip my masseur for his gentle hands and comfortable chit chat and not my dental hygienist? Why do I tip the cabbie and not the bus driver, the latter with whom I have more regular and pleasant conversation? Why do I tip the pizza delivery guy and not the UPS or Fed Ex worker who brings immense joy into my life by anonymously leaving packages like Santa Claus? Why do we tip musicians and not circus entertainers--or lawyer, ministers, and teachers for that matter?? It's all in the same spirit of performance, is it not?? There is more to say about this particular "hazy" group, but I'll move on to the group that actually spurred this blog to being with.
The third category of "automatic tipping" is a newer group that, to my ability to recall its genesis, began around the era of the chain coffee shop. You know what I'm talking about. You walk into Starbucks to get your grande-non-fat-iced-mocha-frappuchino-with-sugar-free-hazlenut-syrup-and-no-whip. After the ten minutes it takes to order "your" drink, and paying your five dollars, you notice that there is a jar between the cash register and the Joan Baez tribute CDs marked "TIPS" in some creative, Crayola-marker, taily, polka-dot design--as only a high school girl can achieve.
It's this form of tipping we must really stand against, folks. Firstly, and seriously--for WHAT are we tipping in these counter-top cases? One's ability to remember the order I JUST gave (and, to be fair, at Starbucks that does require some amount of skill)? One's ability to work the cash register in an effective way? One's correctly executing the particulars of my order? One's ability to scream out the order for pick up so that everyone knows I'm on a diet this week? Secondly, where does it stop? The next time I walk into Taco Bell am I to be accosted with the passive guilt trip of ignoring the tip jar some kids have set out because they can? The next time I go to pick up my clothes at the dry cleaners, am I to feel I'm being insensitive to the rigorous work of standing behind a counter all day? Where will the tip-on-all-occasions madness end? I, for one, refuse to put one red cent into such an enterprise.
So, go forth and question your future tipping opportunities. Do not be guilted into spending your hard-earned income on the future keg funds of our youth! Save it for the waiters and waitresses of this world who need it to support their cocaine addictions. Just kidding.
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