On Birth Control

Originally posted: Wednesday, July 11, 2007 4:21am

I love babies. I love babies possibly more than anyone I know. I love the way they smell, the way they look around without the ability to focus on anything until they can completely lock in with the baby one-track-mind eyes that could not be torn away from their target if a gargantuan mushroom cloud were exploding nearby. I love the way they can sleep and drink from a bottle at the same time--it's really too bad that we lose that ability as we grow older. I love the way they grab onto hair and earrings without the slightest inclination that it's not only socially unacceptable, but barroom brawl behavior. And I LOVE the first time they smile because it's real, not just because they are aping the silly adult faces before them.

Having said all of that, I have just spent the last few hours with my nephew when no normal and healthy person should be awake. The last time I babysat overnight he was the easy twin. He'd wake up and I would change him, feed him 6 oz of formula and he was out like a light again--easy! Tonight, for some reason, he decided to break from the preferred protocol and remain totally and utterly discontent. And let's get one thing straight--it's not the "awake" I mind--it's the "discontent." Nothing would please me more than being awake in the wee hours of the night with a tiny, quiet baby to coo over and kiss repeatedly. But the mincing "God-I-couldn't-be-more-uncomfortable-and-you're-doing-nothing-to-assuage-that-discomfort" spats tap into my deepest people-pleasing insecurities in a way that makes me want to join him in the unabashed cry of "Damn it, just make me happy!"

Helpless, and out of ideas after nearly three hours, I finally tucked him into his car seat, which he seemingly finds more appealing than his wonderful bed, turned off the lights, closed the door, and let him wail himself to sleep. I like to think the latter was the cry of victory: "Thank God the lady finally just left me the fu** alone!"